Is narcissistic abuse the new global pandemic? The truth will shock you.
Pretty much everyone across the globe now knows about the Covid pandemic. But there is a much more dangerous, covert pandemic living amongst us — that of narcissistic abuse. A pandemic is described as a disease that is ‘prevalent over a whole country or the world.’ There is no doubt in my mind that narcissistic abuse is a global pandemic, albeit one that not nearly enough people know about. And unfortunately, wearing masks can’t protect you from this one. In fact, when you get to know more about narcissists, you’ll understand that ‘the mask’ has a very different meaning and function.
Narcissists can be found in every walk of life, regardless of race, creed, colour, culture, gender, sexual orientation, and they are in every country in the world. Licensed Clinical Social Worker Bree Bonchay, in her article on Psych Central, does some fascinating number-crunching on people who are potentially damaged by Narcissistic Abuse, and she comes out with a staggering 3.4 billion people. That’s the shocking truth — nearly half the population of the planet! And you know what, I don’t think she’s wrong.
She bases her calculations on just 6% of the population known to have NPD, and if those only affected 5 people in their lives… but I already know without a doubt, that your average NPD person will target a far greater number of victims to feed their insatiable hunger for narcissistic supply during their lifetimes. You can read Bree’s full article here: https://psychcentral.com/lib/narcissistic-abuse-affects-over-158-million-people-in-the-u-s/
Because NPD is typically so insidious in nature, and because narcissists themselves don’t see themselves as people who need help, (feelings of grandiosity, superiority, exaggerated sense of self-importance and feeling they are special are some of the key traits of NPD), I’m speculating that millions of them go undiagnosed for their whole lives… so the number of people who are affected could be far higher still. It’s a frightening thought.
But, where there is darkness, there is also light, and one such light is that there is now a World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day now, established in 2016 by the aforementioned Bree Bonchay. It’s a much-needed movement to raise awareness about this form of abuse and it will grow exponentially year on year.
So, who is the narcissist in your life? He (or she), could be anyone. Your love interest, spouse, mother, father, sister, brother, boss, work colleague or even a friend. Narcissists are hiding in plain sight everywhere. Since I’ve been involved with helping people to heal from the abuse, I’ve known narcissists to come crawling out of the woodwork. Family, friends and people in my network (aside from those involved with me because of the abuse), have shared horror stories with me.
Most people think they know what a narcissist is — generally if you ask a random stranger, they’ll say it’s someone who is very full of themselves and thinks they are great. They might describe them as vain, conceited, and in the case of the ‘overt’ narcissist, this is true on the surface. But beneath the surface of NPD, it gets much more complicated, because all narcissists are extremely toxic people, and there are several different kinds of narcissist so they don’t all show up the same way. I’ve written separate blogs on the different types — somatic, cerebral and ‘covert’ are considered common when you know a bit about them, but there are more types. However, the fact is, all narcissists are covert in that they covertly abuse the people they are in relationships with, particularly their partners or spouses.
Covert abuse makes them very hard to spot because narcissists hide behind a ‘mask’ and often exude charm, intelligence, wit, and people like them. They can be so attractive (in either looks and personality or both) that you’ll easily fall for them, and when they turn the full force of their charm on you, you’re bowled over, but really, you’ve just been out-manoeuvred because you have no idea what you are really dealing with.
There are a ton of ‘red flags’ you can watch out for, to protect yourself from falling for one ever again. Just about every client I’ve ever worked with, and everyone I’ve talked with in my Facebook groups, said that they saw the red flags, they heard the alarm bells, they felt the warning signs… but they ignored them. So painful and all as the relationship has been, heeding your gut and trusting your instincts can protect you from falling for a Narcissist a second time. It doesn’t always… but it can. I’ve written a book about it — The Top 50 Red Flags of Romantic Predators: How to Avoid the Narcissist’s Trap.
But if you think that NPD only shows up in romantic pairings, you might be in for a shock. Non love interest narcissists are rife too. Narcissist parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, bosses — can be much harder to deal with. For example, if you’re born into a family with a narcissistic parent or sibling, this puts you in a situation where you have zero control until you are old enough to make your own decisions. If you find yourself working for a narcissist, they are in a position of authority over you and will twist that into something it’s not, under the guise of being your ‘boss’. They will abuse this position and they get away with it so often, I wonder if their bosses are asleep, or if they just choose to turn a blind eye. I’ve witnessed this behaviour myself and if I’m honest, it makes my blood boil!
If either parent is, or was, a narcissist, they will have done serious damage to your developing psyche. When you grow up constantly exposed to an abusive parent, the way your mind develops is different from that of a child growing up with caring, nurturing parents.
What happens is that you see abnormal behaviour as normal, because you’ve not experienced anything else. The psychology behind this is very complex, but in a nutshell, if you’ve been exposed to this abuse as a child, you’re far more likely to attract a narcissistic partner into your life as an adult. If you’ve been raised by Narcissistic parents, it can be very difficult to break that pattern without professional help. That is unless you become a narcissist yourself, which is often the case.
Most of the clients I work with have grown up with narcissistic, dysfunctional parents and have been in one or more subsequent narcissistic relationships. They have to relearn the rules for what is ‘normal’ as a first step to breaking the cycle for themselves. Often, it’s only when they realise that their ‘normal’ isn’t everyone else’s normal, that they realise they have grown up in a toxic environment.
Narcissists are cunning, manipulative, and clever. They can easily fool ‘outsiders’ into believing that they are loving, doting partners and parents. They slap on their big smiles, praise their partner or child in front of others, but behind closed doors, the monster reappears. How confusing this must be for any child growing up with this conflicted behaviour, but that confusion carries on into adulthood. So being a ‘grown up’ doesn’t protect you at all from the abuse. Learned behaviour runs deep in your subconscious.
Very often, most often in fact, abused people think that the fault lies with them. As a child, they feel that they must be bad… something must be terribly wrong with them if their mother (or father) treats them so badly every time they are alone, yet that parent is so nice with OTHER people… it can take a long time for the child to realize that it’s not them that’s wrong, it’s the parent. By the time that has happened, so much damage has already been done.
If there are other siblings involved, the dynamic becomes even more complicated. You may become the scapegoat, constantly pitted against the ‘golden child’. You may even be subjected to additional abuse by a bullying sibling. It’s an awful situation to grow up in and little wonder that you are suffering the emotional fallout.
In fact, it often amazes me that the people I’ve worked and who other narcissistic abuse recovery therapists have worked with,didn’t turn into raving lunatics themselves. What inspires me is their courage, their deep compassionate hearts, and their deep inner knowledge that they didn’t deserve this, that it’s wrong, and that they desperately want to heal.
These people are realizing that the damage can be undone and they’re healing from it every day, and so can you, do don’t despair. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you CAN heal.
If you’re dealing with an overt narcissistic, they are easier to spot as they are usually loud, in your face, full of themselves, and everyone can see they have egos the size of houses. You’ll encounter them in schools, where they often show up as bullies, and later on they can show up in college, work, social groups. They need to be the centre of attention, they think they are better than everyone else, they will think nothing of stealing your ideas or trying to discredit or undermine you at work, and they too can make your life absolute hell.
But there are ways to deal with them too, and I talk about how to deal with a narcissist at work in a separate blog post. For now, if you’re dealing with a narcissist of any kind, take a deep breath, and tell yourself that this IS going to end. This is not a life sentence. You don’t to have to put up with this for the rest of your life, because you can get out. Thousands of others have, and so can you. Because frankly, you deserve better — a whole lot better, and regaining your self-worth is what it always comes back to.
A cornerstone to healing is reclaiming your self-worth, and knowing that this was not your fault. Knowing that you are unique, valuable, worthy, and deserving of love is the most important lesson you can possibly learn, and I want you to really hear these words now: loving yourself, unconditionally, is where to start. So just take a moment now to sit back and make a decision that you are going to love yourself. Don’t judge. Don’t question. Just say ‘I’m going to love me’…. Feel into that emotion… how does it feel?
If it feels awkward, alien, unattainable… accept that that’s ok. Then put those thoughts aside and say it again. I’m going to love me’… and do this several times a day. Let it start to become a new possibility. After some time, it will feel right, because it will reawaken a deep need within you, to reclaim your birthright. And when it does, you will have taken a very important step on your journey to healing and finding your self-worth after narcissistic abuse. It’s not an easy road, but it is an essential and worthwhile one. I recommend learning all you can about NPD and abuse, and finding a therapist who understands what you are going through, to help you work though the healing and recovery process. You deserve love, joy and happiness. Make that your new mantra, and get the help you need.
If you’d like to connect with me, click here to learn how I can help support you on your healing journey, and quickly recover from narcissistic abuse.
